Had to let this out...

Every night I sit in my room looking back at the day I’ve had
And all I hear is silence… silence of as if there is nothing there in my mind
Yes I sit as a blank face looking at the walls wondering
What’s wrong with me? Why have I become what I’ve become?
Every night I wonder what did I achieve today…
The answer is always the same… Nothing
And I don’t write this to gain pity but cause I want to let it out
Even though hardly anyone would notice these words
But like everyone I to wish I could release and express what’s eating me from inside
But you have to be good enough to be heard,
And I… I’m nothing
Just another creature on this planet of red, green and blue
To long have I thought that no one can understand me…
Only to realize that it’s me who cannot express me
And hence I’ve tried to take a short cut… by letting others define me…
And don’t even ask how wrong that approach has been for me.
But why, that is something I wonder all the time,
Why has this become of me… why do I feel like a being without a soul, a heart, void of feelings and emotions?
Why can’t I smile any more…
Let me tell you a secret,
Well yes I do smile but that’s just a mask for with in this mass of meat and bones I can hardly feel anything anymore
It’s like I have sold my soul to the devil but got nothing in return…
It’s like as if everyone can see me naked and laugh judging me
As if I’m just a sandbag left to be punched and bruised
Yes I will accept I choose to absorb, I choose to take in the pain
But I choose that long time ago and no one ever told me what it would do to me

Was it the name calling, the deception, the cheats, or the back stabbers and selfish people that I helped, or was it just me who did this to myself?
Maybe they are right when they call me a monster… say that I’m warn out…
Maybe that voice that I hear in my head is correct; I do have no more reasons to life…
Just another mortal sucking up air
But then I look at my past and I think I can have it all back again…
But who am I kidding; I’m just so lost maybe I’m what you call a gone case…

I can’t think no more I can’t imagine no more I can’t picture no more…
Where has that inspiration gone?

And as I type these words am sure no one’s really reading but at least I got this off my chest
And the voice says “what if they judge you again…”
Well my dear friend maybe I just don’t care no more…